"Somebody help me, please!" a la Robin Williams

Am having a very angry day so far; idiots on the internet, the greedy hotel manager refuses to call to have the Internet line repaired. ("It's down a little bit." It's either working or it's totally down, no little bit about it.) He reset it four times after which, lo and behold, it's STILL not working, tells me to go to another room. Ok. I'm leaving tomorrow so obviously I don't want to move-move, just use the Internet. It works great.

Manager calls then comes over to ask me when will I be done with the Internet, as if. I said I'm not ready to be done now, what's the problem? He said that I had to go back to my old room in case he needed to rent this room. Oh. So, I no longer have access to services offered per your advertising? Btw, this MIGHT be high season for Flagstaff but this place has three guests. Not only that, at no point in time did the manager specify/ask any time limit. He stomped off, muttering under his breath; I'm hoping he doesn't call the police or maybe it's better if he does: neither room's smoke detector has a working battery indicator light. Do hardwired ones blink?

I admit I have no sympathy for this guy. When I first called about renting a room for a week, he quoted me $200. When I arrived 10 minutes later, the price was--surprise!--$250. When I pointed out that he'd told just 10 minutes before that it was only $200, he hemmed and hawed but when he saw I wasn't budging, he acquiesced. The week's up so I decided to stay just one more week; you'll never guess the rate: yup. $250. I asked how it was that he could change the rate at any time with no notice; he insisted that it was peak season so it was $250. I said okay and that I'd be leaving instead. Instantly, the price was back to $200. Now I don't know if I look stupid or if it's inherent to treat women poorly in his culture (he's Indian/Pakistani-appearing w/ accompanying accent) but this was really blatant chicanery to me. Would I feel better to know he tries this scam on others? No. JSYK, I wasn't born in this country, either; it's not racial/cultural dislike on my part, rather, dislike of thieves.

I also informed the manager that the phone connection was iffy; the cord from the phone to the handset has issues. Get this: I tried to call the VA Suicide Hotline for help in trying to see what I can do. This roadtrip to TN isn't going so well; can last about 3-4 hours before Mr. Panic rears his ugly head. I then find a cheap motel and hide for at least two weeks. My money isn't going to last me at this rate. In fact, I'm not even sure how much I have anymore.

So what does that say about me that I cannot even keep the Suicide Hotline guys on the phone? There's some irony in that, I'd say.

No Straight Jacket if I'm Typing!

My very own blog, a self-indulgent bit of hopefully interesting stuff. Why write at all? It's easier than trying to keep a paper-based diary and I should write some of this down because it's cathartic. My anxiety keeps me thinking 24/7 anyway so I might as well let it out rather than have it stew away inside.

I am crazy; diagnosis and everything. No meds at the moment because if I keep driving, literally, and ignoring what I've ignored for more than 20 years, I won't be any worse off than I already am. I could be better, perhaps, but I know the Me of today. Do I need to change for the better? Whose better? I knew there was something vitally wrong with me years ago but it's only hurt me (or so I'd like to believe anyway) or is that hurt only me (there is a difference) and just having some "educated" people reinforce my self-diagnosis with their own is not cause for celebration, just relief.

Am I happy? WTF is happy, anyway? Seriously. In case it's not immediately obvious, this is the way I think--free association. If I have a point, I'll make it eventually, not to worry. Tangents are my best friends; hell, my only friends. Therein lies another point I'll address eventually. Are any of you happy? How do you know? Is there a checklist or is it simply an attitude? Do you realize the moment you're not happy anymore? How long does that last or does it fade and then you're happy again?

Is there a difference between happy and satisfied? Do you need both to be either? Is it hard work or does it just happen? Are you aware of it when it changes or is it more subtle?

Have I mentioned that I LOVE words?!? George Carlin was so very, very precise with his choice of vocabulary; don't think he was appreciated very much for that. It saddens me to see how poorly people treat words: use the same ones over and over, ad nauseum; misspell or reduce them to single letters; incomplete sentences with little to no point and/or punctuation. See what 12 years of free education can do for you! It's tragic, actually. We're going to hell in a handbasket and no one even knows what that is.

Of course, I don't believe in an actual hell. Do I really think that there's some entity---pick a name, any name, it doesn't matter---who is deciding my eternal fate based upon some arbitrary rules? Of course not. What's even more ridiculous is the notion that I can get a pass for whatever egregrious deed I've done (or not done) simply by saying I'm sorry. Yeah, right. As if said deity doesn't (or shouldn't) have something better to do with his/her/its time. I'm saddened by all the terrible things that have been done in said D's name(s) by all the two-faced, shit-for-brains numbnuts who feel superior simply because they follow someone else's lead. Why not think for yourselves?? Is it too hard? Too much work? Too scary a thought? *the irony* The best part is that if you do not believe as they do, you're a wretched sinner and going straight to perdition. How do they know? Oh, right, it says so in their book; oops, Book. My book says something else; it says that to each his own, live as though you mean to be alive, treat others with compassion, consideration and kindness, be honest and fair. What else do you need to know? Truly? Seems almost too obvious and easy, doesn't it? Hmmmmm...time for dinner.